Neil Hopcroft

A digital misfit

A blindness that touches perfection

…and sometimes, mixed up in the memories, theres a feeling of being a bad person, letting things lapse that shouldn’t be let lapse, walking away when thats the safe option.

I bought a card to write to someone I care about, but then I realised I didn’t have a pen. Even if I did, I don’t know where she lives now. And I don’t know what I’d say anyway.

I hate being this useless.


Categories: Memories.

/ 7 Comments

7 comments

    • neilh

      Yes, I was going to…until the lack of pen got in the way. Now the moment has passed, for now at least. The problem is that it builds up, I’ve been useless which means that I feel a need to make a bigger effort when I do do something, then that seems more than I can deal with right now, so I leave it for a bit, then the cycle repeats until I’m too embarrassed about being useless that I end up not doing anything.

      Reply
      • toadshamen

        I can completely empathise with you there.I’m a master in the art of not seizing the day…

        I leave things,thinking I’ll do them another time and occasionally I even believe my own bullshit!
        The longer I leave them,the more important they seem to become in my head and they end up blown out of all proportion!

        Reply
  2. ex_lark_asc

    Ah yes. That’s the core of depression, really: the fact that it makes you too ill to be a good person. It’s so hard to separate the way the illness weakens you from genuine weakness of character, and to forgive yourself for suffering from an illness that will do that to you. And other people can never tell the difference, unless they know you so well they’ve already forgiven you anyway.

    I have an awful lot of sympathy for what you’re going through, Neil.

    Reply
    • neilh

      Yeah, its not much fun is it. I think this is the bit that has gotten me worst about the whole thing, just the feeling of uselessness and not wanting to do commit to doing anything becuase I know that on the day I’m just gonna feel lethargic and un-…myself. Its wrapped up as a happy-go-lucky ‘no plan’ attitude on the outside, but thats not the real story.

      In some ways its nice to know that its ‘normal’ – to understand that its just the way things are for me right now – but at another level, its not a good thing that people have to live with it for any length of time. I can see how you’d end up losing yourself after years of it. Not much fun.

      Reply
      • ex_lark_asc

        at another level, its not a good thing that people have to live with it for any length of time

        You should try having this phenomenon acting as a factor in your splitting up with someone you really love.

        He still doesn’t get that it was the depression that made me so unstable, both in the relationship and after we split; he thinks *I* was behaving like that, like I think it’s OK or something. If I try to talk to him now he treats me like an unexploded bomb.

        Reply
  3. neilh

    …and when its written I can put it with the others. What I need is to be less useless, and that covers having the confidence to send these things as well as write them.

    Reply

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